Five years. That is how long it has taken me to find myself. To truly, genuinely find myself, that is. I guess, one can argue it has taken me 27 years and they may be correct. However, I became aware of this journey mere five years ago when my heart was ripped into shreds and I was convinced I would never be whole again. I was wrong.
The year was 2013. It was a horribly cold winter with everything covered in icy frost and no trace of warmth left in any of the layers of the surface, including my heart. I was broken, unexpectedly and completely, broken. The person I deemed to be the love of my life, who after disappearing for a week, texted my best friend to tell her that he no longer wished to be with me… and they say break ups through texts are the worst. I remember my whole world slipping from beneath my feet. I literally felt that. I couldn’t breathe and everything around me seemed to be spinning and randomly crashing against me. This is it, I thought to myself, from here on out I will never again experience what it would feel like to be whole or happy. Again, I was wrong.

The Numbness

After countless nights I spent crying myself to bed I finally woke up one day not feeling any pain. Instead, I was numb. Great.
I still remember that day. It was brilliantly white. It had snowed endlessly the past day and so everything outside was pure white. My room opened up to the backyard allowing me to witness the cold fluff wrapped around my house and all I saw was emptiness…
With no emotion left to spare, I just sat on my bed, empty. I remember thinking to myself if this was better than the torturous pain I felt of having a broken heart. It was not. Surprisingly, I preferred the pain to the numbness I now harboured inside of me. For the pain acted as a reminder that at the very least, I am alive, I still feel. What really shocked me was that I still thought like that, of living. I know this sounds terribly dramatic but that was the state I was in. I was convinced that there was no point in living because the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with did not want me anymore. I was worthless. Uttering such words now would make me cringe and perhaps even force me to give myself a good shake. However, at that time that was the only reality I could see. So in that moment of dread and emptiness, wanting to feel and live truly surprised me. I remember that moment of pure catharsis when tears started pouring down again and the pain rushed in. I could have stopped it, could have returned to the state of complete numbness but I didn’t. I just let myself go through it all again. However, this time I did so while writing. I opened up my journal and wrote and wrote and wrote. I poured it all out till there was nothing left inside.

2018 reflections2018 reflectionssoul of orionsoul of orion

2018 reflections2018 reflectionssoul of orion

Breaking Through. . .

By the time I finished, it was dark outside and I returned to the state of emptiness again and fell asleep. When I woke up next morning, I felt light. A slight shred of optimism had somehow sneaked in overnight and to this day I do not know what exactly was responsible for this. It could be the catharsis I experienced the day before, or it could have been something else. Regardless, I am thankful for that moment because that is when my journey started.
In that moment of very brief but crisp optimistic clarity, I decided that I will heal. Properly. Completely. Entirely. It would be easier to not allow someone to hold my heart again, to not trust or hope or rely on someone but doing so would be mean to not feel again or be able to experience the happiness of love and connection. I wouldn’t allow that, I thought to myself, to never again be touched or moved by someone would just mean that I never allowed myself to live. To never be able to trust and believe again.
Thus, I started reading. I knew there was a way to be whole again without shutting myself out due to the fear of being broken by someone else. At this time I didn’t know how that was possible, just knew that it was. So begins my five year long journey of reading, practicing, failing but not giving up. At first I learned to let go of the pain that I felt. To do so, I took up art again. I started painting, writing and photographing to channel out all the frustration and agony I felt. When I believed that I am relatively contained, I reached out to him and reestablished our friendship. I understood him, forgave him and it worked. However, that did not mean I was whole again. I continued diving deeper within but that was not easy. One can never know how deep one has to go as there is never any measured limit nor is it possible to measure such a thing. Therefore, several times I would stop, thinking that this is it I have explored myself enough, I am aware of myself now but then something or another would happen and I would find myself falling deep down into the well of despair, astonished how far I am from being healed or self aware. And so, I would start again.
This happened every time I gave dating a chance and got hurt by someone. I would go through the pain and despair all over again, however, it would just be slightly better than the previous time but that was not good enough. I remember feeling hopeless and ready to give up, thinking to myself this whole idea of being completely whole and emotionally invincible was a sham and it kind of was.

The Wolverine Effect

I misunderstood the entire thing in the first place. It was never about being emotionally invincible or being independently whole all the time. It was about healing and becoming good at that. Instead of isolating myself from others and claiming that is me being whole by myself, I was supposed to allow others to help be whole without entirely relying on them should they end up leaving in the end. Instead of striving to ensure that no guy or person is given the power to hurt me, I was supposed to work on my healing power so that should that were to ever happen, I can always rely on myself to mend my heart and spirits again. Like Wolverine! He always got wounded and suffered from the pain but was capable to heal all on his own. That was his superpower, that’s what made him a hero.
So I tried again. I started to rely on my friends and family again. I allowed them to help me become whole. I started trusting again and oh how good it felt to let go of the burden I had been carrying of suspicion and fear! I started giving others a chance again and yes I was abandoned and hurt but I used those events as lessons to improve my healing skills. I read a lot on the power of healing and trusting. I talked a lot about it with others who were also on the same path. I allowed myself to fall because I trusted myself to get up again no matter how long it took. I became patient with myself and assured myself that I wouldn’t ever judge myself or the pace with which I was travelling the journey to self sufficiency.

Finding Home

It was finally this year that I truly felt that I am here. I am self sufficient. I am my hero. This year taught to me what trust truly meant. It meant to be able to be vulnerable, to be truly and utterly bare. This year I learned to practice such trust. Trust myself, the ones who love me and my fate. Trust myself to make the leap and believe that even if I fall, I will land on my feet, even if I don’t I will get back up again. Trust others when they say they love me, allow them to love me and allow them to leave when they stop without harbouring any grudge. Trust my fate (life) to always guide me and give me the opportunity to choose. This year taught me that you can fall from high above and still trust that you will be able to recover. This year taught that love both from self and others is the key to healing. This year taught me to be able to let others help you and see your bare, vulnerable side. This year taught me what Nietzsche meant by amor fati when he wrote about it in his essay. He meant to really love yourself and your life enough to make the best out of it no matter what is thrown at you. I never really believed in it till I tried living like that this year.
But above all else, this year taught me to completely to know this is all an ever-evolving process. It is not about the destination but the journey, a journey that will never end. Just because I feel self-sufficient in this moment that does not mean that I will not slip. I most definitely will and that is okay because I will get back on track. I am not a static entity but an ever-evolving one which means I will change and so will my awareness. Thus, I must continue to practice the act of staying aware and to change as needed.

Thankful & Finally Whole

So, dear 2018, I thank you for being such a wonderful year. Thank you for being the year when I decided to trust myself completely and exercised it by making big decisions and sticking to them regardless of how much I was afraid. Thank you for being the year when I connected and shared such beautiful raw moments with others without the fear of abandonment or rejection. Thank you for being the year when I started seeing how beautiful life is and how grateful I am for not giving up five years ago. Thank you for it all, my heart is full with joy and light.

~ fatima

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Fatima Zehra

Fatima Zehra

A dreamer and a storyteller at heart, Fatima's aim in life is to live as creatively as possible while inducing intention in everything she does as of late. It is because of such intention that Soul of Orion was born. A playground free of rules, fear of expectations and the likes, where she can freely express herself and her work as well as chronicle her journey of being, called life.